You wake up one morning, look at your husband and say (to yourself) I can't stand the sight of you . . .you kick your dog (that you normally love) and you yell at all your children . . .not just the one that has lately been driving you crazy. That's pretty much how it happened for me.
I've always had hurrendous hormones. I use to say to Steve, "For the next ten days, everything you do is wrong." I would be uncontrollably emotional and irrational. Chocolate would make it worse. Then three years ago we were at our family cabin on Whidbey Island, which happens to be my favorite place in the whole world. I felt so down, I wasn't even happy at the cabin. Our oldest son was leaving on a two year mission for our church, so we had all kinds of our favorite people there. The children were all "frolicing" in the water, I love to watch the kids have fun at the cabin. I use the term "kids" loosely because a lot of these kids were 19 years old. Then Sophie our 6 year-old had her first loose tooth. Maren our 14 year old said come here I'll pull it out. I said "Nooooooo", there it was the beginning of the end of our ideal family. People were leaving home and I couldn't stop it. Kids are annoying. You think you won't get attached, then they suck you in. . .then they leave home. It's a cruel game they play with you. Anyway, I'm not so sure this had anything to do with my down feelings, and bad hormones, but it certainly didn't help. In the midst of this, we sold our house with the beautiful view, and life was really kind of hard. There was a lot of things to be grateful for, but I just couldn't ever feel happy. I'm saying, never. I'd wake up crying with a pit in my stomach. I'd feel bad going on a walk with my family. I love walking with my family. That's one of my all time favorite things to do.
I went to my woman gynocologist, and described my symptoms. She said there was nothing that could be done. I asked if I should be tested for menopause. She said there was no way I could be going through menopause at 42. She suggested some tesosterone cream, which I tried, but it didn't do that much. Finally she said I could go on anti-depressants. I had been on them for PMS, and they did help. The problem was, they always wore off. They'd work for a year, or two, then I'd have to switch to a new drug. I also just kind of felt dead emotionally on them. Finally I'd been praying about what to do, and a friend had given me a book to read. The Mood Cure Book, by Julia Ross. I felt like I should read it. I did, and it was the beginning of some improvement. . .